


It's All In The Cards

by dragonshost



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: F/M, Humor, Pre-Tartaros Arc (Fairy Tail), Romance, complete and utter crack, what happens when i think "hey what if i literally glued everyone together"
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-04 22:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12177861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonshost/pseuds/dragonshost
Summary: While Cana was busy infusing her cards with more magic, a guild brawl developed and knocked into her. Her beer spilled and caused some of the character cards to stick together - and therefore their real life counterparts, as well. Can everyone survive being literally attached to each other until a solution is found? Or will they tear each other apart?





	1. Character Cards

Cana paid little attention to the fight breaking out behind her. Normally, she would have joined in or thrown an empty barrel (never a full one – that would be wasting alcohol) at her guild mates for messing up her precious drinking time. Not today, however.

Three stacks of cards loomed in front of her. While two were within easy grasp and placed beside each other, the third was placed behind and directly in between the others.

Sighing, she took a draft from her tankard. Drained in two gulps, she slammed the object onto the table. The cards jumped a little at the action, but remained in their stacks.

Reaching forward with both hands, she slid the topmost card of the paired decks off. Held up in front of her, their faces were revealed to be blank.

Closing her eyes and concentrating, she focused her magical energy and channeled it into the items grasped in her hands. Once she was satisfied with the level therein, she reopened her eyes.

With a deft flick of her dominant wrist, a card flew through the guild to smack into one of the combatants' arms. Smirking, Cana watched its twin in her possession darken briefly, and then colour spread across its surface. Soon, a chibified image of a silver-haired man looked back at her with a smirk of its own. The words  _Lyon Vastia_  scrawled themselves underneath the picture. A sideways glance at the thrown card revealed a matching visage upon it.

No longer needed, the filled-in card joined the others in the third stack.

With several more flicks of her wrist, soon magic-infused cards were surreptitiously latching themselves onto more individuals without their knowledge. Eventually, the cards would fall off with their host none the wiser for it.

The smirk became a full-blown grin.

Cana loved expanding her collection of character cards.

"How's it going?" a cheerful voice sounded by the Card Mage's ear.

"Really nicely. I think I've gotten just about every single one of the visiting mages," the brunette responded, holding her empty tankard out to the barmaid. "Fill her up, Mira!"

Mirajane giggled and started to pour. "Why do you refer to it with the feminine pronoun? Shouldn't it be male?"

Laughing, Cana replied, "You've got a point! Fill my hubby up!"

The white-haired mage flinched. "Okay, that just sounds wrong."

It only made the brunette guffaw and snort even harder, the hand holding the tankard shaking the object dangerously with the force of it.

Until a flying Elfman took the pair out of commission.

A huge weight slammed into the women, knocking them down.

The full tankard and the refill pitcher that Mirajane had been holding both went flying, beer spilling everywhere and toppling the card stacks.

Cards fluttered to the ground around Cana. Groaning, she tried to rise, only for another immense weight to ram into her side.

Wheezing, for the very air had been knocked out of her lungs, Cana tried to pull oxygen back into her body. Once she could breathe again, she glanced up. To her surprise, she, Mirajane, and Elfman weren't the only ones down.

In fact, most of the guild was incapacitated and lying on the ground.

Blinking, Cana tried to rise, only to discover a heavy pressure on her arm prevented her from doing so. With a groan, she twisted in place to try to see the cause of her immobility. Ineffectually, she pushed at the man pinning her arm to the ground. "Get off, Dad!"

Gildarts grumbled, shifting his weight to free his daughter.

Except, their arms refused to detach from each other.

Horror and dread swept through Cana, as she threw a quick glance at the card deck scattered around her.

Sure enough, there was her card, and Gildarts' card. Coated in the spilt beer.

And most definitely stuck together.

For the first time in years, nausea that had nothing to do with a hangover settled in Cana's stomach.

Because those weren't the only cards stuck together.

"AH, FUCK."


	2. Attachments

Groans resounded throughout the guild hall as people began to pick themselves up off the floor.

Or, tried to, at any rate.

Yelps and squeals from her suddenly encumbered friends had Cana wincing as they fell over each other in their attempts to return to their feet. Maybe if she just lay prone and unmoving on the floor, no one would figure out what she had accidentally done to them. It seemed like a solid plan.

At least until her father picked her up like a sack of potatoes with his free arm. Airborne, and not prepared to be after copious consumption of alcohol and two collisions in short succession, Cana did her best not to hurl all over the person her arm was attached to.

Oh, she'd really done it now, hadn't she? This was going to be horrible to sort out.

No, wait. Cana then realized something very important. It wasn't really her fault. It was the others' fault for brawling and knocking into her! This never would have happened if there weren't so many fight-crazy people in the guild!

As she was placed back on her feet, she sighed. "Dad, help me pick up my cards. I'm going to need them."

"Personally, I'm a little more concerned about why our arms are attached." Gildarts said shaking the limb experimentally and nearly dislocating Cana's shoulder.

She made a pained noise and he promptly stopped. "Ah, Cana! Did I do something wrong?!"

"No!" Cana snapped at him. "Just help me pick up my cards, you stinky old geezer!"

It shouldn't be possible for the strongest mage in the guild to look so much like a whipped puppy, but Gildarts was a true master that had elevated the skill to an art form. He dutifully began to gather the tools of his daughter's magic, mumbling over and over to himself about Cana being so mean to him.

Cana ignored her father and took the opportunity to survey the damage – and the people stuck together.

She doubled over in laughter.

The newly formed 'couples' in question were somewhat less enthused about their new predicament, as they started to figure out that their strange new growths were very familiar. And had faces.

Screaming erupted all around.

"Get the fuck off of me, Sparky!"

"You're the one feeling me up, Metal-Face!"

"Lily! You betrayer! I knew you had a thing for Carla!"

"What the hell is wrong with you, man?!"

"Me?! What's wrong with you?!"

"Eh, Juvia? Why are you clinging to me? Popsicle freak is over there."

"No, Gray-sama is the only one for Juvia!"

"Don't shout in my ears!"

"EEEK! PERVERTS!"

"The parfume of my honey has intertwined with my own! It's an omen of good fortune, MEN!"

Amongst the screaming the quiet sobbing of Erza went almost unnoticed.

"Everyone! Shut up!" Cana yelled, clutching her head with her free hand. "If you'll all just be quiet for a minute, I'll explain what's…" She trailed off when she saw on one was listening and the brawl that had started the issue had resumed in full.

"BRAAAAAATTTTSSS!"

Everyone in Fairy Tail froze at the terrifying voice of their master, the visiting mages also pausing at the fearsome tone.

Once he had everyone's attention, he boomed, "Now listen up! It appears we have a predicament!"

"No shit, Makarov!"

"Sting! Just be quiet for a bit!" The tiny man turned his head towards Cana. "Now, I believe you have some idea as to what's going on, Cana?"

Cana burst out into uncontrollable giggles at the stern look on the master's face. Her legs too shaky to hold her up on their own, Gildarts supported her weight while she laughed at Makarov.

It wasn't so much what he had said that had set her off. It was the fact that his back was plastered to Mirajane's front, with her large breasts resting on his head. And although his expression was still firm, and his bony little arms were crossed over his chest, the steady stream of blood originating from his nose showed just how acutely aware he was of his situation.

Mirajane was also very much in tune with her little problem, fat tears beginning to roll down her face. "It's not funny, Cana!"

The only response the card mage was capable of was pointing a trembling finger at her friend and howling all the harder in mirth.

Glower did not even come close as a descriptor for the Take Over mage's expression as her aura darkened.

Once the wave of hilarity had subsided, Cana's sides heaved while she tried to regain her breath. Looking up, she glanced over everyone in the guild. She had their undivided attention, now.

Suddenly nervous, she gulped. "Well, first off… my bad?"

"What do you mean by that?!" the young master of Sabertooth demanded. "What the hell is going on?!"

Cana cleared her throat. "You're all stuck together."

"No, we hadn't noticed that," Juvia muttered.

Lucy, one of the few people not suddenly in possession of a personal-space buddy, called out, "Cana? Do you know why most everyone is like this?"

The Card Mage's mood darkened. "You dumbasses spilled my beer while I was syncing my cards with your magic."

"Maybe because using Elfman as a volleyball is generally a bad policy?" suggested Juvia, whose mood had turned foul. Her newfound limb was not her cold Gray-sama. That she would have welcomed. No, the person she was stuck to was emitting such immense heat that she feared she might evaporate. While this could potentially prove ample fodder for her extremely active imagination, she was still pissed off that it wasn't Gray-sama.

Instead, she was stuck to her beloved's longtime rival/polar opposite/arch nemesis/frienemy, Natsu Dragneel himself.

So no, she was not pleased.

Cana gestured wildly. "Now guess what? Thanks to the spilled beer, all my cards got stuck together! Which means, now all of you are, too."

"Whaaaaat?!" the crowd protested.

"Well, unstick us, then!" Sting ordered.

The Card Mage rolled her eyes. "I can't. If they were normal cards, sure. But they're not. They're infused with not only my magic, but all of yours." Upon seeing their bewildered faces, she growled at them. "How else did you think those communication cards work?! That's all these are!" Well, that with a few other spells thrown in. Not a great day to experiment, it turned out.

"Hmm… so what you're saying is that it will take some time and research before we can remedy the situation. Is that right, my dear?" Makarov asked, stroking his mustache in thought.

The brunette shrugged. "Pretty much."

Oddly enough, the first person to protest this was someone who up until that point had been completely silent – even during the initial panic.

"I refuse," Rogue stated softly, "to remain tethered to this moron any longer than necessary. I'm already stuck  _with_  him. There is no way I'm going to be stuck _to_  him, as well."

"Like you're any fun," Sting grumbled.

Lucy raised a hand. "Not to be a downer or anything, but how is anyone supposed to go to the bathroom?" She paused to let the horrifying thought sink in.

Erza's sobbing in the corner of the room intensified.

Shrugging, Cana replied, "Everyone will just have to figure it out."

"Like you have any right to talk, Cana!" Gray gestured towards his new partner. "You're not stuck to someone like him!"

"Trust me, anyone would be better than you," Lyon informed Gray.

"Yeah… because being attached to my father is so much better." The Card Mage smirked. "And besides, you look really close to me!"

"Oh , ha ha. Very funny," the Ice-Make Mages chorused.

Natsu glanced at the seething Water Mage next to him. The back of his left hand was pressed into the underside of her right wrist, right above her pulse. "I'm fine with it," he shrugged. "Juvia's cool."

Juvia couldn't help but flush a little.

Gajeel snorted. "At least you two aren't with this asshole, here."

"Watch it," Laxus growled. "I can still smack you into the ground. Hauling you around unconscious might even be more preferable."

"I don't know," Lucy piped up before Gajeel could start a fight he would lose. "You two seem joined at the hip to me." She turned and high-fived Yukino, the Sabertooth girl having also escaped catastrophe.

"Screw you, Bunny-Girl/Blondie!"

Lucy hopped down from the stool and stretched. "Right. I wonder… how are the pair of you are going to manage bathing?"

They choked.

In fact, most of the people in the room did.

Lucy laughed at them.

Cana raised an eyebrow, turning Lucy's card over in her hand. It wasn't too late. There was still plenty of beer around. It was a bar, after all. Maybe she could stick the blonde with someone after all.

Then she frowned, running the pads of her fingers over the card. It felt thicker than normal. And she knew these cards like she knew her alcohol. So that shouldn't be possible.

Her fingernail caught on the card's edge. Smirking, Cana realized that Lucy's card was stuck to another one – lined up perfectly so she hadn't noticed at first.

But then… why didn't Lucy seem to be in the same boat as everyone else?

Just as she thought it, a cracking sound filled the guild, and a good section of one wall burst inwards. Shrieking, most people covered their ears or eyes (if they could).

Lucy squawked as a reddish blur collided with her at high velocity unhampered by the solid object it had just passed through.

Cana's smirk returned in full. Oh, so that was who. No wonder it had taken some time!

He'd had quite a distance to travel, after all.

Groaning, Lucy tried to regain her breath after having it knocked out of her. Great, the one opportunity she gets to gloat and a projectile just  _has_  to crash into her. Coughing, she pushed at object that had collided with her.

Only to have it groan right back at her.

She froze, her eyes traveling up dark skin to a scarred face, pointy ears, and maroon hair.

Oh, no.

She was doomed.

Just why was there a member of Oracion Seis here?!

Lucy gulped. It couldn't have anything to do with the cards… right?

Oh hell no.

' _Why does Cana have a card for a criminal?!'_


	3. Prison Break

Lahar had been having a rather pleasant day, all told. He loved Mondays (what? Did you think he hated them? Now, why would you think that?). Doranbolt was usually too lethargic and nursing a hangover from the night before to cause him much trouble, and the other main cause of Lahar's woes – Fairy Tail – usually was, too.

Today looked to be no different than usual. Doranbolt was slumped over his desk, muttering over and over to himself about missing Wendy. This was a fairly common sight (and litany) for Lahar – Doranbolt was still in the grips of some very potent alcohol and when drunk the Direct Line Mage was prone to talking to himself. At length. Mostly about his little blue-haired friend, the Sky Dragon Slayer of Fairy Tail.

Rather than be annoyed by it, Lahar was content to just let his friend be. It was much better than losing precious years of his life due to frustration and his beautiful, well-maintained locks to the crass act of hair-pulling (let's face it – despite the teasing he occasionally had to endure, there would be widespread panic. Disorder would fall upon the Magic Council, forcing it to disband, should Lahar ever suddenly decide that he cared for a shorter hairstyle. Was not exaggeration. The Gran Doma himself had taken Lahar aside to calmly explain this to the man upon his promotion to Head Captain).

Although he did take down notes on what Doranbolt said – whatever Doranbolt uttered on Mondays could be used as…  _incentive_  to work hard for the remainder of the week.

It was looking to be a tranquil day. Lahar's favorite kind. No Fairy Tail causing mass-scale catastrophe, no prison breaks (even the prisoners were reluctant to expend more effort than necessary on the dreaded Mondays), no superior officers yelling at him, no emergencies he had to deal with, no drunken card mages to work alongside…

"Head Captain Lahar!" a subordinate yelled, shoving the door to the office open. "We have a big problem, sir!" Although a new recruit, Calvin was well aware that in an emergency situation, he was supposed to yell for his superior officer at the top of his lungs while flinging the door open with all his might. Except the poor lad had greatly misjudged how much strength he needed to exert upon said wooden object to get the proper effect. Instead, the door hit the back wall and rebounded, flying back into the young soldier's face with enough force to knock him out cold.

This was enough excitement to stir Doranbolt and alarm Lahar.

After a few minutes, the Intelligence Officer was about to get the blonde, spiky-haired recruit to come around. Shoving tissues up his bloody (probably also broken) nose, the recruit wheezed out, "There's a big problem down at the prison!" Pausing for a second, he added, "Sir!"

"Start from the beginning," Lahar ordered, leaning over his subordinate. "What happened?"

Calvin took a deep breath through his mouth, and said, "Well, Suzy and I were just watching the surveillance lacrimas like we always do on Mondays, which is really boring because nothing ever happens on Mondays…"

Until now, at any rate.

"…And then Suzy accused me of still sleeping with a stuffed toy tiger, can you believe the nerve of that girl? I mean, Hobbes isn't a stuffed animal! He's a ferocious, man-eating beast that just so happens to think my bed is more comfortable than roughing it in the wild… that lazy-ass fuzzball…"

"Get to the point!" Lahar snapped, not in the mood for Fairy Tail-esque buffoonery right now.

The recruit squeaked. "Aye sir!"

Lahar and Doranbolt both winced. That sounded way too familiar.

"Well, then all of a sudden, one of the prisoners started screaming! So we looked back at the lacrimas, and we saw one of the prisoners slam into the cell wall and break right through! Then he flew down the corridor and through four more steel walls before he disappeared out of the prison entirely!"

Lahar swore a blue streak, surprising Doranbolt who had only rarely seen his friend lose his cool. "Which inmate was it?!" Lahar demanded.

"Prisoner number 100977! Sir!"

Doranbolt and Lahar both paled. They were intimately familiar with that particular number.

"AH, FUCK," Doranbolt cursed.

"Oh!" Calvin piped up. "I brought a recording for you! And no other prisoners appear to have escaped – he didn't go through any other cells."

That was because they'd put him in extreme isolation for being extra mouthy lately.

Snatching the lacrima from Calvin, Lahar watched it. Sure enough, there was Cobra, by all appearances snoozing inside his cell. Until he was suddenly dragged across the floor of his cell by… nothing at all. Cobra yelped, awakening just in time to be smashed through the wall of his cell and into the empty neighboring one. The criminal started yelling.

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU"

The angle of the viewing lacrima changed as the surveillance switched to another lacrima feed.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

It switched again to another.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

And then to what must have been the last one.

"UUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!"

Cobra slammed into, and then was pulled through the last remaining barrier to the outside world.

As the lacrima feed clicked off, the replay complete, Doranbolt and Lahar stared at the now blank crystal in dumbfounded horror.

"Why do I feel like this is Fairy Tail's fault?" Doranbolt whispered.

"Because it's ALWAYS Fairy Tail's fault," Lahar replied.

"I'm going to just lay back down," Calvin announced. "I'm getting a little dizzy."

Lahar took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "It's too early to deal with this shit."

"It's two in the afternoon, Lahar," Doranbolt pointed out.

His friend growled at him. "Who say anything about in the day? I meant the week."

"Ah."

Placing his glasses back in their original spot on his nose, Lahar stood tall. "Right, then. Doranbolt!"

The Direct Line Mage jumped at being addressed. "Yes!"

"Take some magic limiting cuffs and pay a visit to Fairy Tail! There's no doubt in my mind that that insufferable, drunk Card Mage of theirs is responsible for this. She's the only outsider that's had access to Prisoner Number 100977 within the last few months! Even if she isn't at fault, if nothing else, we can see if the system she developed for returning escaped prisoners works like she claims it would."

"Um… Lahar? In all fairness, Cana did say that it wasn't quite ready yet and that she needed to test the magic on her guild members first…"

"I don't care!" Lahar swept his arm out in a dismissive gesture. "Now go!"

"See ya!" Doranbolt disappeared, leaving off any sort of respectful title for his superior officer.

The door slammed open again, only this time the intruder held it back with his hand.

"Head Captain Lahar, sir!" another Rune Knight shouted. Then he paused, glancing down at the prone recruit on the floor with the bloody nose and copious amounts of tissue sticking out of his nostrils.

"Hello!" Calvin greeted. "Don't mind me!"

Shaking his head, the Rune Knight addressed Lahar again. "Sir! The Council has requested your presence regarding a matter with an escaped prisoner!"

…That was fast.

"I'll be right there."

Nodding, the soldier departed.

Sighing, Lahar mentally prepared himself for the verbal dressing down he was about to receive. This was not going to be fun. Why couldn't this have happened tomorrow? Lahar wasn't responsible for escaped prisoners on Tuesdays.

Fairy Tail would pay for messing up his idyllic Mondays.

He glanced down at the young man on the floor.

"…Go to the infirmary."


	4. The Situation

Juvia… was confused.

Very, very confused.

She quickly ran over the past several minutes in her head, trying to pinpoint the exact moment her world had collapsed.

One second, she was lovingly picking up her beloved Gray-sama's clothing and about to give him a surprise hug when she suddenly was no longer standing and her beloved was nowhere in sight. Instead of the Ice Make Mage's cool skin, she found herself plastered to the scalding form of Natsu Dragneel.

This fact had seemed to perplex the Fire Dragon Slayer as well. "Eh, Juvia? Why are you clinging to me? Popsicle freak is over there." Then he'd attempted to helpfully point out his rival to her.

Only… her arm went with his gesturing hand, against her will.

So she had screamed, rather understandably. "No, Gray-sama is the only one for Juvia!" she shouted, not at the Dragon Slayer, but at her own limb that she was certain had taken on a life of its own and rebelled.

"Don't shout in my ears!" Natsu yelled.

Chaos erupted all around them, and Juvia shifted to her water form to try to escape Natsu.

Except he had liquefied along with her.

Swiftly, she returned to her normal form, arm still attached to him. She was not eager to repeat that experience. It was the first time anything like that had happened to her, and she'd felt… melded. With someone who was not Gray-sama.

Juvia felt horribly violated.

Natsu, for his part, had not fared any better than Juvia. It appeared that liquefaction did not agree with his motion sickness, as he turned a very fetching shade of emerald green that nicely complemented his pink hair. "Urrrgh. Why did you do that, Juvia?"

"Juvia didn't do anything!" she snapped, anger starting to fill her. It was all Natsu's fault. It had to be. He was the moronic one that caused all the trouble. Everyone knew that. Hell, she'd  _seen_  it on dozens of occasions!

At that point, Makarov had interrupted, and Cana had been able to at least give the water mage the start of an explanation. Because, to her, just because their cards were stuck together wasn't sufficient reason for her and Natsu to be… 'connected'. It was just… no. This couldn't be happening to her.

Fate should have stuck her (literally) with Gray-sama! Not Natsu! It just wasn't fair!

And Love Rival's comments were not helping.

Then the wall burst and a reddish blur knocked Love Rival down.

This was honestly just a lot for Juvia to process at the moment and she was on the cusp of freaking out. Her anger was beginning to fade as she realized that it wasn't truly Cana or Natsu's fault that she and the Salamander were stuck in this situation.

Plus… Love Rival looked terrified. Out of her mind with fear and horror as she looked at the groaning man that had collided with her.

Juvia thought that he seemed vaguely familiar to her. Like she'd seen him somewhere before. Love Rival clearly had and it hadn't been a good encounter if the expression on the blonde's face was anything to go by.

The water mage suddenly found herself forcefully pulled in the direction of the pair on the floor. Squeaking, she protested, "Natsu?! What are doing?!"

The Dragon Slayer didn't seem to hear her. "What the  _hell_ , Cobra?!" Natsu demanded, dragged the bewildered Rain Woman with him as he stalked dangerously towards Love Rival and the interloper. He growled menacingly at the other male, causing the hairs on the back of Juvia's neck to stand on end. "Get off of Luce!"

Having only seen the normally cheerful Dragon Slayer act this way to true enemies before, and at a distance, it was quite another thing to witness up close and personal. Her mind threatened to go down a fantasy spiral of what might she do if Gray-sama ever acted that same way out of concern for her. Shaking off the oncoming delusion, Juvia tried to stay in tune with the real world situation she was literally being dragged into. It looked to be a violent one.

Groaning once more, the dark-skinned man attempted to rise, clutching his head with one hand. "What the fuck?" he mumbled. "Salamander?"

Lucy chose that moment to shriek, as the man had accidentally placed his hand on her breast in his endeavor to right himself.

Startled, he yelped and scrambled off the blonde mage as fast as he could. Only to immediately lose his balance and collapse back on top of her, accidentally copping more feels via his face which was now buried in the voluptuous blonde's chest.

She screamed some more, and the maroon-haired man covered his pointed ears with his hands. "Shit! Stop fucking screaming!" he shouted into her breasts.

As he still hadn't climbed off of her, she – predictably – did not cease her wailing.

Natsu chose to take care of the problem himself.

By reaching down and forcibly lifting the man off his partner, Juvia's arm going along for the ride. "Cobra! Why are you here?!"

"HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?!"

The Fire Dragon Slayer started shaking him. "How did you get here?!"

"GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULL! I! DON'T! KNOW! ONE MINUTE I WAS IN MY CELL, AND THE NEXT I WAS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!"

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!"

"I KNOW!"

Juvia sighed and glanced down. The mysterious individual having a shouting match with Natsu was, indeed, attached to Lucy like she suspected. By the leg. Since Natsu was lifting him up, Lucy's leg was pulling her upside down.

If they weren't going to be mature, Juvia would have to be. Lucy was too busy trying to keep her panties from flashing everyone else in the guild to do much of anything else at the moment – and Cana was laughing her ass off again.

Going off of her limited personal experience, she decided to douse Natsu's flames. Literally. With a water blast to his face.

The Fire Dragon Slayer promptly spluttered and dropped the other male.

Falling on his rear, the stranger grunted in displeasure.

Unfortunately, his hand landed on Lucy's inner thigh… a good deal higher than was appropriate.

As the woman drew breath to screech again, the one-eyed man withdrew his hand as if scalded. "Don't fucking scream again!"

Lucy appeared to contemplate it.

"If you scream again in my ears,  _so help me I will_ …"

"Now Juvia thinks we should all act like adults and sort this out calmly and peaceab-"

She was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a man in blue Magic Council robes barreling into and then over the bar counter.

With a thud and a groan of pain, he landed on the other side.

"Note to self," he muttered, "never Direct Line drunk."

Fantastic.

Really.

At least she would only have to explain it once.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, Several Days' Journey From Magnolia…** _

"Jellal."

"Yes, Meredy?"

"…I think we have a problem."

"I concur."

"So what do we do?"

"…I have no idea."

"Wonderful."


	5. Surveying The Damage

Doranbolt, emerging from behind the bar on wobbling feet, took one look at the scene before him and promptly lost his shit.

"Pwahahahaha! What's wrong with all of you?! Did Natsu get into the super glue or something?!"

Annoyed, Cobra tried to put as much distance between himself and the Celestial Mage as possible. He didn't make it far, as one of his legs was intertwined with one of hers. Clapping his hands over his ears, he growled at the Council Mage. "Shut the fuck up, would you?" His head was killing him as it was from the blonde's earlier screeching, not to mention the fact that he suspected he had a concussion from all those walls he went through to arrive at his current location. Cobra did not need to deal with Doranbolt right now.

Glancing down at the criminal cringing on the floor, Doranbolt stopped laughing for a moment, although he still had a slap-happy grin on his face. With all the mages around, he wasn't overly concerned with Cobra making a break for it. Besides – the criminal appeared to be quite dizzy. "I thought I might find you here. So, did you break out of prison just to see your busty blonde girlfriend?"

 _Lucy_  was the one who growled at Doranbolt for the comment. "Not funny, Mest!"

"Actually, Juvia was just about to explain," the bluenette Water Mage remarked.

Doranbolt looked over at them. "Oh, wow… Are you and Natsu dating, now? I totally did not see that one coming. But, congratulations?"

"Gray-sama is the only one for Juvia!" she declared, flailing her arms and one of Natsu's around.

Natsu waved his other arm so it wouldn't feel lonely.

The Council Mage nodded. "That sounds much more familiar."

"Um… hello, Mest-san," a quiet voice spoke up beside Doranbolt.

Brightening, Doranbolt smiled at the sight of his favorite Dragon Slayer. "Wendy!" He paused. "Well, I see you and Chelia have gotten closer."

The two young Slayers both smiled at him. "Hello, Doranbolt-san," Chelia greeted, using the man's actual name.

"Isn't that uncomfortable?" he asked, pointing.

Wendy gave him the barest of nods. "A little. It's also kind of hard to walk." As the girl's right cheekbone was plastered to her older friend's left shoulder, Wendy was standing on the balls of her feet in order to accommodate for the height difference. In an effort to help, Chelia was also slouching somewhat.

Linking her arm with Chelia's, Wendy turned them both towards Cobra and Lucy. The pair were still sitting on the floor, silently glowering at each other. "I think we should check them for injuries now…"

Doranbolt gave the unlikely couple a once-over. "Sure. Doesn't look like he can go anywhere with his new ball and chain, anyway."

Irate, Lucy and Cobra turned identical baleful stares onto the Council Mage.

Wendy and Chelia shuffled over to them, a little nervous. "Um…" Wendy began, "Is it alright if we perform healing session on the two of you?"

The unpleasant expression dropped from Lucy's face as if it had never been. "Sure thing, Wendy! Thank you as well, Chelia!"

Wary, Cobra nodded his assent at the Sky Mages.

Juvia clapped her hands together. "While you do that, Juvia will explain to the best of Juvia's ability what has happened so far."

* * *

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

Cobra really was not impressed by this situation.

"Sadly, we're," Lucy flinched at the bad pun she was about to make, "stuck with each other for now. Same as everyone else." She handed a slip of paper up to Doranbolt, who'd taken a seat on a barstool behind them. "While Juvia was explaining, I made a list of everyone who seems to be affected, and where they're attached. I thought it could help us figure out this situation."

Doranbolt glanced at it. "Alright, I'm going to read this off. Let me know if we're missing anyone."

* * *

 **Lucy** , top left foot –  **Cobra** , inner right calf

 **Wendy** , right cheek – **Chelia** , left shoulder

 **Natsu** , left hand back –  **Juvia** , under right wrist

 **Mirajane** , under breasts –  **Master Makarov** , base of neck

 **Carla** , back of right ear –  **Pantherlily** , tail tip

 **Gray** , right side of waist – **Lyon** , right inner forearm

 **Gajeel** , right hip –  **Laxus** , left hip

 **Cana** , back of right forearm –  **Gildarts** , back of left forearm

 **Erza** , back of head –  **Ichiya** , forehead

 **Sting** , left forearm –  **Rogue** , upper chest

 **Kagura** , left breast –  **Millianna** , right breast

 **Laki** , right knee –  **Kinana** , outside right thigh

 **Lisanna** , left shoulder-blade –  **Evergreen** , front of right shoulder

 **Max** , bottom right foot –  **Warren** , left buttock

* * *

"Is that everyone?" Doranbolt asked, looking up.

"No! It isn't!" a muffled voice exclaimed.

Lucy perked up, recognizing the speaker. "Levy? Where are you?"

Elfman turned around, revealing Levy attached to the mountain of a man's upper back. Her own back stuck to the Take Over Mage, Levy had her arms crossed and was glowering. Dangling high thanks to Elfman's bulk, her feet were quite a long ways from the ground.

The Council Mage dutifully added the bluenette bookworm's plight to the list. "Anyone else?"

"Um… sorry. But we're attached, too."

Looking around for the speaker, Doranbolt had a hard time locating the soft spoken individual.

"Over here." A hand raised behind Yukino, who yelped in surprise.

"Dobengal?!" the Celestial Mage exclaimed. "What… how… How long have you been there?"

The quiet, unobtrusive man shrugged, the palm of his left hand pressed into the area between Yukino's shoulder blades. "I've been here the entire time."

Yukino stared at him. "How did I not notice you?"

"Because I'm a ninja."

That logic was difficult to refute.

"Oh!" Cana suddenly shouted, her face alighting in an 'Ah, ha!' way. "I think I know why everyone is attached like they are! It's where the cards landed I synced them in the first place!" The Card Mage took a swig of someone's unattended beer, inordinately pleased with her powers of deduction.

Everyone else in the guild just stared at her.

"What?" she asked.

"Why do you have Cobra's card?" Lucy finally inquired.

Doranbolt raised a hand. "I can explain that, actually. You see, some time ago the Council commissioned Cana to help with a prisoner-recapture plan. Someone up the food chain apparently found out about some reverse-summoning research she was doing and thought it would be worth looking into. So she was granted minor access to a few of the inmates, Cobra included."

The brunette nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah!" She hiccupped. "I thought, if something bad were to happen to someone in Fairy Tail, then a reverse-summon spell imbedded in their card could be used to bring them out of danger immediately. And the Council fellas thought it could be used to reverse-summon escaped criminals back to their jail cells so long as their cards were on record. But…" she threw an amused look at Cobra and Lucy. "It looks like, instead of teleportation, it involved physical travel. The person closest to the original cards became the endpoint, and the other rammed into them. I'll have to work out that kink."

Many a person in the guild then wondered if Cana had actually done all this on purpose, just to test the cards' effectiveness.

"Do you have any idea on how to fix this?" Lucy inquired, understandably uncomfortable with the prospect of being attached to a convicted mass-murderer.

Cana contemplated it for a few moments. "I dunno!" she finally announced, giving it up as a bad job.

As all the members of the guild collectively groaned, and began to argue with each other over this development, Cana hid her smirk as best she could.

It was true that she hadn't the faintest idea at the moment how to repair the situation. But there was something she was holding back from the rest, mostly so that they didn't start mauling each other.

There were cards that were stuck together… but their real life counterparts weren't. Such as Rufus and Max – their cards were just as glued together as the rest. The mages themselves, however, were completely unencumbered.

Cana may have neglected to mention that there were other spells embedded within the card stock she'd been using. It appeared to the Card Mage that the magical bond holding people together only worked if there was an affinity of some sort between them. It didn't matter whether it was familial, like with her and her father, or based upon a magical affinity, or an emotional link of some sort.

They were all going to have to figure that bit out for themselves. She felt no need to be helpful.

Cobra, however, could not be fooled – sometimes the ability to hear thoughts and souls really did come in handy.

Feeling the stare of the man, Cana winked.  _'Just enjoy your temporary freedom while it lasts.'_


	6. What Now?

None of the shackled mages were taking the news of indefinite attachment well. In fact, most had flipped their lids entirely.

The women now stuck to other women were taking it the best, quite frankly. Most of them were already friends with each other and comfortable enough around their new skin-partners that this ordeal could be faced with little fuss.

Gildarts, Makarov, and Ichiya were all rather pleased with their situations, to be honest. For vastly different reasons. Even though he was well aware that it would be extremely awkward, Gildarts was excited that his daughter would be forced to spend literal father-daughter bonding time with him. Makarov was in boob heaven, truth be told. He needn't even be asked his opinion. Ichiya, for his part, could now inhale all he could ever want of his honey's parfume as he was now quite literally breathing down Erza's neck.

The women attached to the men were not anywhere near as accepting of their newfound attachments.

Levy, for example, had her arms crossed and was glowering at nothing. With a stubborn set to her jaw, she ignored all attempts by Elfman to engage her in conversation.

Erza had finally stopped crying, and was now attempting to stoically endure Ichiya's presence. It wasn't really working out – she caught her hand drifting to her sword every other minute.

Gajeel and Laxus were the ones freaking out the most, however. In fact, they were taking it so poorly they nearly started another brawl right then and then. Mirajane put a stop to it before it could get that far, with a simple yell of, "SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING, AT LEAST YOU AREN'T ATTACHED TO MASTER!"

Makarov whimpered from his position. "At least you two boys aren't stuck to a demon."

Both men could agree that neither of those options sounded like fun.

* * *

Juvia felt the intense need to sit down. So she did, forcing Natsu to sit beside her on the ground or topple over.

The Fire Dragon Slayer peered at the Water Mage curiously. "Is something wrong, Juvia?"

Her lower lip trembled, as she fought back tears of frustration. It was finally sinking in that being stuck to Natsu Dragneel was not only a reality but something she was going to have to deal with. Sooner rather than later as nature would inevitably come calling at some point.

All she wanted to do was cry, and mourn the fact that she wasn't attached to her beloved Gray-sama. However, it wasn't merely disappointment at the choice of partner that depressed Juvia. Natsu, she had to admit, was far better an option than Ichiya or Master Makarov, for instance. She mourned, too, her loss of privacy.

Even she had to appreciate the irony of that.

But no matter how much she wanted to, she wouldn't allow the tears to fall. For if she did, the rain would fall. Gray-sama hated the rain. More importantly, so did Juvia. She despised that part of her, still.

Natsu stared at the suffering bluenette. His nakama was hurting and he didn't know how to fix it. He suspected it was his fault that her scent of deep, clear water had shifted to something brinier. Fidgeting a little in place, the Fire Dragon Slayer was torn between concern for the water woman, and for his best friend. He glanced over to where Lucy and Cobra were. The pair were quietly speaking with Doranbolt, though neither had made any move to stand up.

Lucy seemed to have a handle on her situation, Natsu decided. If he'd wanted to, Cobra could already have done some serious damage to the blonde. Yet Lucy remained intact – embarrassed, sure, but intact. Natsu would let her deal with the Poison Dragon Slayer; if anyone could put up with Cobra it would be Lucy. Juvia was the one who needed him at the moment.

Returning his attention to Juvia, he reached out with his free arm. With a gentle pressure, he laid it upon her shoulder. "Hey, Juvia… we'll figure something out, okay?"

She looked at him then, moisture in her eyes.

"I get that I'm not the most ideal person to be attached to. But we're in this together, one way or another. We're nakama, right? And friends besides – or at least I think of you as one. Together we can get through this. So please don't be sad."

Shakily, Juvia managed to nod at him.

Natsu grinned at her, happy that she was at least responding to him. "Okay, then! So… what do we do next?"

"W-W-What does Natsu-san think we should do?" Juvia asked. "Juvia will follow your lead."

Blinking like someone had just told him that that many peppers would give him indigestion, Natsu stared at Juvia. "Um… I don't… know…? Lucy usually makes the plans. She likes plans."

"…And you like ruining them."

"YES."

A giggle burst forth from Juvia, startling the Fire Dragon Slayer.

The sound brought with it a calmness to Natsu's heart he couldn't ever recall feeling before. So, like with most other things he didn't understand, Natsu just shrugged it off. If it became a problem, he would deal with it later.

"Oh!" Natsu suddenly said. "I know what we should do first!"

Juvia's gaze rested upon her – for better or worse – temporary partner. "What would that be?"

"Which bathroom do we use? 'Cause I really, really gotta go. And I don't wanna get hit by Lucy for using the wrong one again."

* * *

Lucy often felt inured to the insanity and strange behaviors of her guild in general, and her teammates in particular. Prolonged exposure to the… peculiar idiosyncrasies had at in fact shifted her entire basis in regards to what was considered normal.

So she was deeply shocked when Cobra did something she never expected him to.

Namely –  _he was behaving like a mature, responsible adult about the situation._

She had not anticipated this. Especially not from a criminal. How exactly was she supposed to cope with this?

"You do know I can hear your every thought, right?" he pointed out. "Also, I happen to actually  _be_  an adult."

Lucy felt the need to point out the other adults in the room collectively losing their minds.

"It's Fairy Tail," Cobra said by way of explanation. "You're all fucking insane."

Snorting, Lucy grumbled, "And you aren't?"

"…No," he replied.

Doranbolt shrugged, leaning against the bar and looking down at them from his stool. "Honestly, Cobra… I'm rather surprised, too. My first guess would have been for you to kill Lucy and use the opportunity to escape."

The blonde stared at the Council Mage in horror.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Cobra asked Doranbolt. "Of course I wouldn't do that, do you take me for a moron? Why would I kill her in the middle of a guild that would eviscerate me in under a minute if I hurt her? There's no guarantee the magical binding would dissolve with her death anyway. I don't particularly relish the idea of lugging a corpse around."

"You could just dismember me." The words were out of Lucy's mouth before she realized just what she was suggesting.

Cobra snorted. "Although the idea has merit, even then a portion of you would still be attached. It would be only a matter of time before it started to decay either way. Also, it would take too much time… and effort."

Making a dismissive gesture with his hand, Doranbolt changed the topic of discussion. "As I was saying earlier, we're going to have to think of a solution for your case in particular. I mean… Cobra is a convict. He's supposed to be in prison."

Lucy flinched at Doranbolt's words. "Does… does that mean I have to go with him to prison?"

As the blonde looked liable to start crying, Doranbolt waved his hands frantically to forestall the deluge. "Wait, Lucy! We'll figure something out! I promise you, I don't want you to be stuck in a jail cell either. Especially not with this prick."

"I can hear you. I'm sitting right here."

"Why doesn't he stay with Lucy, under house arrest?" a timid voice said, as two purple-haired women approached the bar.

Cobra's posture noticeably stiffened at their appearance.

One of the women smiled at him. "Hello, Erik."

He nodded back at her, hesitant.

Doranbolt considered the suggestion. "House arrest would be better than prison for Lucy… and Cobra would still be under supervision. What do you think, Lucy? It's your home, after all."

She nodded after a moment, miserable. "It's fine. Like you said – better than prison, right?"

With a sigh, Doranbolt heaved himself off his barstool. "Is there a communication lacrima I can use? I need to run this by Lahar first." He passed a hand over his face and groaned. "I am not looking forward to  _this_  conversation."

Laki spoke up, "The crystal tear of magic's sorrow lies yonder in the throne of Fairies."

Everyone stared at the lavendette, uncomprehending.

"Okay," Cobra muttered, "I can hear thoughts… but I still have no idea what she just said."

Lucy laughed lightly in response, starting to feel a little better about this. A mature Cobra – albeit snarky – she could learn to live with. At least until this was all resolved.

Kinana glanced between the attached pair. "The lacrima is in the Master's office," she translated.

Blinking, Laki asked, "Isn't that what I just said?"

"I'll take – er… I mean, we'll take you up there," Kinana suggested.

Doranbolt nodded. "Please do. In the meantime…" He shot a hard look at the pair sitting on the floor. "Behave…  _both_  of you." Then the Council Mage turned to his guides, and he gave them a sweeping bow. "Lead on, please."

Lucy and Cobra groaned in unison as the obnoxious man was ushered away by the two women.

They sat in silence for a moment – neither willing to address the other first.

Sighing, Lucy decided that she would be the one to attempt to initiate a conversation. "Since we're going to be stuck with each other for a while…" Glancing briefly at their legs, she then returned his indigo stare. "We may as well learn to at least tolerate each other." She cleared her throat, and extended her hand out to him – stretching and leaning forward so he could reach it without further invasion of the bubble of space he clearly desired. "My name is Lucy. I'll be your… roommate until we figure this out."

Cobra eyed the limb with great wariness, but he appreciated the fact that she was letting him choose how he wished to be addressed. Her confusion over Kinana calling him Erik was as clear to him as the hand she held out for him.

"Cobra," he stated firmly.

When it became obvious he wouldn't take her hand, Lucy withdrew it. "Cobra," she affirmed, nodding her head.

He considered her for a moment longer. "I can live with this," he stated suddenly. "You're more intelligent than most of the other morons here." Cobra was an adaptable person – and being attached to the blonde wasn't nearly as horrifying as being stuck to her partner would be, for instance.

Though it did not change the fact that she was now a living shackle.


	7. Some Slight Complications

Juvia and Natsu rapidly discovered a large problem with their being stuck together. Or was it a small problem? Regardless of semantics, they had a size issue that they needed to deal with. Pronto.

Lucy had been onto something about the bathroom situation.

And it was ballooning into a issue that could not be ignored, and cause much suffering.

Namely, the stalls were too small to fit two people. At all. Let alone comfortably, when they were attached at the wrist.

The situation was not being made better by their less than stellar coordination skills.

"Ouch, Natsu-san! Watch where you're elbowing Juvia!" the water mage demanded, twisting in the tiny space to give herself some room and hopefully remove the pink-haired fire mage's offending limb from digging into her breast.

The pair were in the women's restroom, Juvia feeling more comfortable there. But this decision was swiftly backfiring on the pair. "Natsu-san, let's just give up..."

"No!" Natsu protested, frantic. "I  _really_  need to go, Juvia!"

"Juvia was just going to suggest a larger stall, or the men's restroom," she huffed, annoyed by his implied accusation that she would just let him suffer with a full bladder. She wasn't heartless by any stretch of even her very active imagination.

Chagrin at his misunderstanding written across his face, Natsu nodded. "Sorry, Juvia," he apologized. "I just..."

"Really need to pee; Juvia gets it." Rolling her eyes, she attempted to shimmy out of the stall's confines. "Natsu-san, you have to work with me here!" she snapped. "If you really want to go, that is."

Natsu stared at her for a long moment. "You said, 'me,' instead of your name," he observed. "And... you've been calling me, 'you.'"

Flabbergasted at Natsu's words (did he really need to go or what? This further delay he was causing on a supposedly urgent problem perplexed her), Juvia growled, "What is Natsu-san's point?"

"No! Uh... no point! it's nothing! Um... urinal or stall? The guy's room has a stall big enough to fit Elfman."

"...You might have mentioned that earlier," Juvia muttered, sarcasm dripping from every word that left her mouth.

"I did?" He tilted his head to the side, trying to recall if he had. "I don't remember that. Why did you want the smaller stall, then?"

"No, just..." Juvia sighed heavily. "Never mind."

"So are we going or... what?"

"Yes! And Natsu-san can use the urinal, but do it with your other hand because if Juvia's hand comes anywhere near your...  _thing_... then Juvia is going to cut off Natsu-san's hand."

Natsu squeaked in alarm, holding his free arm to his side and hopefully out of her reach. "Got it!"

Juvia had the sneaking suspicion that he might be thinking of his other hand - the one not attached to her - would be the one cut off. It didn't matter, though. So long as the threat worked.

* * *

"Lahar! What is the meaning of this?! What are we supposed to tell the public - that we can't even keep our prisoners within their cells?! Was that not the point of switching to the metal and stone ones, instead of the specialized lacrimas? You assured us that they would be just as effective, as well as more efficient in upkeep and cost!"

The mage restrained a wince at the rage permeating Gran Doma's voice. This was just not his day. "Sir, we are still investigating how this occurred, and one of my top intelligence officers is gathering information as to where the criminal went as well as who might be responsible. I must ask for your patience."

"So you don't know," Gran Doma hissed.

"That is what I just said, sir, yes." Lahar could not keep the annoyance from leaking into his speech. They had been discussing this topic on a loop for the past half an hour. Despite this, they were no closer to a conclusion than when this meeting had begun. In fact, he wasn't entirely certain as to why it was a one-on-one meeting with the Chairman of the Magic Council himself. When he had responded to the summons, Lahar had been anticipating being brought before the Council in its entirety.

Before he could be reprimanded for his ill-thought-out comment, however, his lacrima buzzed. "Excuse me, sir, but my subordinate is paging me now. If that is all, may I leave to take his report?"

"Bah! Begone with you, then!" Gran Doma growled, dismissing Lahar with a rather patronizing wave of his hand.

Lahar bowed, and then took his leave of the Chairman's chambers. Once he was back within the confines of his office (Calvin having removed himself to the infirmary under great duress and much cajoling), Lahar removed a screening lacrima and checked the room for listening devices or spells. It wouldn't be the first time one of the higher-ups decided to do a little illicit eavesdropping on what the Head Captain of the Custody Enforcement Unit was up to - all under the pretext of weeding out possible corruption, of course. He was even more paranoid of such after that fruitless meeting he had just undergone. The room was revealed to be devoid of outside observation, so Lahar removed his communications lacrima from his pocket and set it upon his desk.

Doranbolt's image filled the lacrima's smooth surface. "Hey, what gives, Lahar?! I've been trying to get a hold of you for forever!"

"I highly expect that to be an exaggeration," Lahar said dryly. "Besides which, I was in a meeting with Gran Doma."

"Oooooh." Doranbolt winced in sympathy. "How did that go?"

Carefully choosing his phrasing, Lahar replied, "About as well as might be expected, given the subject matter and circumstances. Speaking of, what do you have to report?"

Scratching absently as his facial scar, Doranbolt looked mildly ill. "About that. I'm calling you from Makarov's office in Fairy Tail, on his lacrima."

"Is this a secure, connection, then?"

"I would assume so." Doranbolt snorted. "Fairy Tail does value its privacy on important guild matters, and its Master proves the rule. Anyway, we were more or less right about all of this being Fairy Tail's fault."

Lahar's eyes narrowed. "And the card mage?"

"Yeah, it's totally Cana's fault," Doranbolt affirmed. "Long story short, it was sort of an accident though. ...Maybe. This  _is_  Cana we're talking about here, after all."

The Head Captain reached under his spectacles to pinch the bridge of his nose. Closing his eyes, he took several deep, calming breaths. Then he removed his hand and opened his eyes again, gesturing at the lacrima for Doranbolt to continue. "We'll deal her involvement later. Have you ascertained the whereabouts of the escaped criminal?"

"Eh," Doranbolt quibbled, making Lahar extremely suspicious about what would next come from the Direct Line Mage's mouth. "He's... restrained? For now?"

"Explain."

"Well you see... the cards that Cana was using to develop the return system for us? Beer or something got knocked over onto all of them and they're kind of stuck together." Drawing a deep breath, Doranbolt revealed, "Along with their real life counterparts. Including Cobra."

Lahar's mouth dropped open. This was... ridiculous. This was above and beyond Fairy Tail's usual level of inanity. "Come again?"

"A ton of people are stuck together." A wry smile crossed the intelligence officer's face. "It's pretty freaking hilarious, too."

"And... and Cobra?" Lahar stuttered, still not quite believing what he was hearing. "I assume that he's... stuck to someone?"

Nodding, Doranbolt agreed, "Yeah, pretty much. He's now attached at the leg... ish... to Lucy Heartfilia. I think you know a little of her?"

Like Lahar would - or even  _could_  - ever forget having to watch the blonde's torture during the Naval Battle, and being powerless to stop it from playing out before his eyes. He held no love for Fairy Tail, but the actions of Minerva Orlando had been sadistic in the extreme. No one deserved what the girl had endured. "I know of her."

"Oh, right. You were the judge for..." Doranbolt trailed off, and then shook his head. "Anyway, she and Cobra are stuck together. So I placed Cobra under house arrest at Lucy's apartment until we get this whole debacle sorted out."

"What?!" Lahar demanded.

Doranbolt shrugged helplessly. "What else was I supposed to do? Couldn't send Lucy to prison."

Spluttering, Lahar inquired, "So you decided to essentially release him into the custody of a seventeen-year-old?! Within her apartment, no less?! I can't even begin to tell you all of the ethical complications with that!"

"She was about to cry, Lahar!" Doranbolt shouted. "She didn't want to go to prison! And she hasn't done anything wrong, here. ...Other than being a part of what is turning out to be a very accident prone guild. I told them to behave for now - other than some bruises from the initial impact and some accidental groping and maybe some hearing loss on Cobra's part, I think they're getting along?"

That... that did not sound good to Lahar.  _At all._  "Alright, then. That decides it. I'm coming down to deal with the situation myself," Lahar stated bluntly. "If nothing else, than to help secure Ms. Heartfilia's quarters. Doranbolt, I need you to -"

"I am not a taxi service!" the Direct Line mage quickly interrupted. "Also, I'm still drunk. And hungover. Not sure how I'm both, but I am," he flatly informed Lahar. "I'm not entirely certain how I made it here in one piece, either. ...Ish. I might've bruised a rib, actually; probably when I hit the bar. I should have Wendy look at it, now that I think about it..."

"Doranbolt!" Lahar attempted to get his friend's attention, but the man continued to ramble on without seeming to notice that the line was still open.

Lahar sighed, abruptly cutting off the communication. It looked as if he would have to take the train.

He restrained a growl. While he was there, he was going to sit a certain drunk card mage down for a little... chat.

Yes. They would definitely need to talk.

* * *

"ACHOO!" Cana sneezed violently and loudly. Groaning, she rubbed her collarbone. "Shit, that one hurt," she sniffed.

Her father promptly began to panic. "Oh, no, are you sick?! Do you have a fever?! Does my precious Cana need a handkerchief?!" Gildarts frantically began to pat down his cloak and clothes, trying to locate said object. Finally producing one after an extensive search, he proffered the grease stained fabric to his daughter. "Here you go, sweetie!"

Cana eyed the discoloured, dirty... rag... with distaste and trepidation. "I think that would  _give_  me a disease."

"Canaaaa!" Gildarts wailed. "My own daughter has rejected meeeee!"

Ignoring her old man, Cana rubbed under her nose. She didn't  _feel_  a cold coming on. Which meant someone was talking about her. Probably something less than flattering.

She did not need her cards to venture a guess as to who it was, either...


	8. There's More Now

Completely unaware that the borrowed lacrima he was speaking to had gone silent, Doranbolt continued to ramble to himself for several minutes in Makarov's empty office on the second floor of Fairy Tail's guild hall.

"Actually, since Wendy and Chelia are now attached to each other - ha ha... literally - I can have  _both_  of them take a look at my ribs and maybe do something about this killer headache I've got and having two healing mages is better than one right and you're not there anymore..." Doranbolt trailed off when finally he realized that his long-time friend had long-since cut off the lacrima connection.

Rude.

With a sigh, Doranbolt leaned back in the desk chair. It was a nice chair. Makarov had upgraded since the last time he'd been in the office. Understandable, though. After all, it had been seven years since he'd last stood within the room, and he couldn't imagine that the interim owner of the building had had much taste in office furniture. He gave it a test spin. Yes. It was a very nice chair. He wondered how much convincing and begging and favors would it take to get Lahar to spring for these for the Council offices...

Suddenly, a smiling blond girl filled his vision. Doranbolt threw out his arms, clutching the desk and bringing his spinning to an abrupt halt that was doing no favors for his stomach contents. Actually, the spinning might have been a bad idea in the first place. He would make note of this for when he was sober. But right now, there was a small child clad in pink and white and wearing strange little wing accessories on her head, sitting on the edge of Makarov's desk.

"Um... Hi," Doranbolt said, staring into the girl's bright green eyes. How in the world did she get in? Drunk and exceptionally hungover he might be (must figure out how both were possible simultaneously later when his head was not full of scarab beetles trying to claw their way out), but he would have noticed the door opening. Probably. Was she there from the beginning? If so... how had he missed her, then? More importantly, who was she? Was she a member of the guild? And what did she overhear... oh gods Lahar was going to skin him alive if she had overheard things she shouldn't have. Doranbolt couldn't imagine what that would be, given that the information he'd imparted to his superior officer was just as easily obtained by sticking one's head out the door and looking downstairs, but still.

She giggled at the weird faces he was pulling while he wracked his brain. "Hello, Mest!"

Doranbolt groaned. That was the only piece of evidence he needed to know that she was a part of Fairy Tail. No one else ever called him by that name. No one else besides Lahar even knew it. "It's Doranbolt, actually. Uh... I'm sorry... Have we met before?" He felt like he would have remembered someone as odd as her, but he was also very drunk. So that might be impeding his judgement a bit. Focusing was very difficult and… where was he going with this, again? He'd had a point. He was pretty sure he'd had one.

"Nope!" the girl declared, breaking Doranbolt's thoughts and drawing his wandering attention to her once more. Kicking her bare feet she leaned forward a little. "My name is Mavis! And you're Mest!"

The man sighed. "Yeah, yeah. The famous Mest Gryder. Traitor of Fairy Tail." Oh gods he needed to stop drinking, what the hell was he babbling now?

"You're not a traitor, Mest."

Doranbolt's expression went as blank as his mind. "Come again?"

"You're far from being a traitor, Mest," the girl - Madrid? Margaret? Marvin? - reassured him. She jumped down from the desk, and skipped towards the door. "In fact, you're very good at your job. Wendy told me so!"

"Oh, so you're a friend of Wendy's, then?" Doranbolt asked, making his own way towards the door.

"Something like that." Mavis (that was it!) stood aside, waiting for him to open it.

Was the door too heavy for her...? Then how did she get in? Doranbolt shook off the question. Eh. Didn't really matter. She was Fairy Tail, it was plain to see. Grabbing the handle, he pulled the door open. Happily, Mavis bounced outside the office. With a sigh, Doranbolt followed her.

Jumping on the railing, Mavis leaned forward and peered below - precariously perched over the long drop. "Careful! You might fall!" Doranbolt warned her, stepping next to her and ready to catch her at a moment's notice.

Mavis turned her head and beamed at him. "I've fallen from higher before, and I was just fine!"

"I don't doubt that." All members of Fairy Tail were remarkably resilient, no matter their age. If there was anything his brief stint in the guild had taught him, it was that. Also, they were one and all destructive. And just plain fucking weirdos. "I would still feel better if you were being a little safer, though."

Humming, Mavis complied. Once she was firmly settled on the balcony again, relief swept through Doranbolt.

"Thanks." He glanced down at the gathered mages below. As far as he could tell after a quick headcount of stuck-together pairs, no one had murdered anyone else yet. Which was much better than he'd expected, to be honest.

No, wait... where were Natsu and Juvia? Doranbolt didn't see them anywhere. It wasn't as if the bubblegum-headed pair didn't stick out. Then Doranbolt frowned, narrowing his eyes at the flurry of activity below. Why was his headcount coming out even if two people were missing? Unless... "Is it just me... or are there  _more_  people stuck together  _now_  than when I came up here...?"

He thought he heard a giggle in response, but when he turned around, Mavis was nowhere to be seen. Glancing around, the girl failed to materialize.

Doranbolt was alone on the second floor of the guild. There was no one else up there at all.

The Council mage heavily debated going back into the office, locking the door firmly behind him, and hunting down Makarov's secret stash of alcohol Doranbolt just  _knew_  was in there somewhere.

* * *

Cana sneezed a couple more times. Wow. Someone must really hate her. Or love her, she acknowledged. That was entirely possible. She was amazing, after all.

"Are you sure you don't want this, honey...?" Gildarts offered her the greasy handkerchief once more.

Gently pushing his hand away, Cana shook her head. "No thank you, Dad."

The telltale  _thunk_  of a bottle on the wooden table immediately drew the card mage's undivided attention. "Oh, hello there!" she purred at the glass object. "Mamma's missed you, baby..."

A chuckle came from above the bottle, and Cana's eyes drifted up to the man holding her precious. "And thank you, kind stranger, for returning my beloved to me... whatever can I do to repay you?" She batted her eyelashes at her drinking partner, in a playful mood.

"'Ya know, Nee-san... I can definitely think of a few things," Bacchus said, grinning at her. "I say we should open this thing up and celebrate our friends' new wild predicament! What do 'ya say?"

"I say... let's get wild!" Cana cheered.

Unnoticed by the two drinking buddies, Gildarts eyed both of them with great suspicion. "Who are you and what are you to my daughter?" he suddenly asked.

Bacchus blinked at the scruffy man attached to his friend, while Cana groaned and covered her face with her hand. "Dad, not now!" she hissed.

Gildarts ignored her. "So?" he asked. "Who are you? What is your relation  _to my daughter?_ "

The Quatro Puppy mage - against all of his survival instincts screaming at him that this was a  _bad idea no don't do it dipshit_  - shot the Crash mage a devious smirk. "So this is your old man, Cana? Sure he won't get in the way?"

"Oh he's definitely going to get in the way," Cana and Gildarts said in unison.

Then, to Cana and Bacchus' shock, Gildarts snatched two cards from Cana's semi-collected piles as well as the bottle of wine from Bacchus' grasp. Whereupon he then broke the bottle with his bare fist, and coated the cards with the alcohol. Firmly sticking them together, Gildarts started to laugh evilly.

Nothing happened.

"Dad," Cana said slowly. "That had better not be Bacchus' card." Which begged the question... who did the other one belong to? Not that it seemed to matter. It didn't appear as if the cards were compatible, as nothing was…

Bacchus' face slammed into the table, as someone careened into him from behind. Someone with long, green hair, wearing red and flailing madly.

"Goddammit, Dad! Look what you've done now!"


	9. Living Arrangements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks go out to Raijindork (on tumblr) for helping me out with the proofreading on this. I owe you one.

Freed and Bacchus took the seat across from Cana and Gildarts, a sullen aura hanging above them.  Their arms slung across each other’s shoulders, so definitely not by choice.  It made them look much more buddy-buddy than either of them currently felt.

“Palm of right hand on Freed, to right shoulder blade on Bacchus, and palm of left hand on Bacchus, to left shoulder blade on Freed…” Lucy intoned, scribbling the information down with the rest.  “There we go.”  Setting it down, she looked up at Cana.  “Gotta ask though… why do they seem to have two sticking places?  Everyone else only has one each.”

Sweating profusely, Cana refused to meet the gaze of any of the involved parties.  “…I may have a problem,” she admitted.  “It was just… it was too funny, at the time.  Bacchus was drunk, I was drunk, Freed was asleep…  My cards were in my pocket… things just escalated from there.”

Lucy wasn’t sure she particularly wanted to understand just what Cana was insinuating.  So she let it go.  “So, Mest.  What did Lahar say?”

The Direct Line mage sighed, all of his energy drained from the events of the day.  “He’s coming to see about your… situation.  And he’ll probably stick around…”  A giggle-snort erupted from Cana, which he judiciously ignored, but for the slight stiffening of his jaw.  “He’ll probably _stay a while_ to help with warding your apartment.”  Doranbolt turned and pointed at Cana, her hand wandering dangerously close to her cards.  “And _you!_ ” he stated with a meaningful look at the Card mage.  “Don’t even think about it.”

Cana withdrew the offending hand, pouting.  “Boo.  You’re no fun.”

“Oh, I’m tons of fun,” he reassured her, “I’m just not a pushover, and _neither is Lahar_.  Trust me, this is for your own sake.  I personally think it would be hilarious to see him glued to someone, but I also realize that that person will probably be _me_ , so let’s not do that.”

* * *

Elsewhere, Lahar sneezed.  Strange.  Was he coming down with a cold?

Shaking it off, he unlocked his apartment door.   Immediately, he headed to his bedroom for a fresh change of clothes.  Given the secrecy that Cobra’s escape would require, he felt it prudent that he not show up to Fairy Tail alone and in his official uniform.  Worse, people might assume that he… _liked_ … the guild and was on _friendly_ terms with them.  He shuddered at the mere notion of such a horrible thing.

Lahar had forgotten to instruct Doranbolt to keep everyone there until he arrived, so he could debrief them all on the importance of keeping their mouths shut about the escaped criminal.   But he assumed that his colleague would have the good sense to stop them from leaving.  The last thing they needed was for a reporter to get wind of the situation and sensationalize it.

* * *

“Okay so… everyone should hash out their new, temporary living arrangements,” Doranbolt lectured the group.  “And then get to them.”  At the collective groan from the gathered mages, he rolled his eyes.  “Seriously, just figure it out and get on with it.  I suggest anyone attached to a Fairy Tail mage should stay here in Magnolia, since you’re here already.  I also heavily and personally recommend that everyone keep their traps shut about _this_ one.”  He gestured broadly to the irate criminal on the ground.  “Because if you do, I will make it my personal mission to ruin your lives.”

“What about a cure?” Sting questioned.  “Shouldn’t everyone just stay in Magnolia anyway?  I mean… Cana’s here, so if a solution…”

A snigger came from Cana.

“…is found, then wouldn’t it make more sense to be close to it?”

Doranbolt shook his head.  “We don’t know how long that will take, is the problem.  And you’re a Guild Master.  Unless you have someone that can manage Sabertooth indefinitely, your being absent would be a problem.”

Sting sighed.  “You caught me – I was trying to get out of the work.”

“I knew it,” Rogue grumbled, unheard by most.

“Aside from which, you might be hard pressed to find a place to stay,” Doranbolt continued.  “I think everyone outside of Fairy Tail is matched…”

Another snigger.

“…to either someone from Fairy Tail, or from within their own guild.  It’s going to be cramped here, I’m guessing.”

“I am so glad I have an apartment of my own,” Lucy said.  “What are the Fairy Hills girls going to do, though?  Especially you, Erza.  Since Ichi–”

“Don’t,” the scarlet haired woman warned softly.  “Don’t finish that sentence.”

The Trimens swept in front of Erza, dazzling smiles all around.  “No worries, Miss Erza!” they exclaimed in unison.  You will be staying at our Boss’s place!  Lord Ichiya has plenty of room to accommodate you in his abode.”

“Indeed!” the small man proclaimed, though it was muffled by Erza’s hair.

Hibiki turned to face Doranbolt, who was staring at them, gob smacked.  “No offense to the Council meant, Sir Doranbolt.  Fairy Hills is a women’s only domicile, if I remember correctly.  Therefore, the only option here is for the Titania to come over to Blue Pegasus for the time being.”

With a grumble of irritation and a look of pity thrown in Erza’s direction, Doranbolt was forced to accept their solution.

“My place,” asserted Laxus, his tone brooking no argument with his fellow Dragon Slayer.

Contemplating it for a moment, Gajeel had to agree.  “Fine, whatever, Sparkplug.  Lily, you and Carla can have free run of our place for a while.  Need to stop by and pick up clean clothes and stuff, though.”

“Appreciated,” the black Exceed said, relieved.  “I don’t know if Fairy Hills’ ‘no males’ policy extends to Exceeds, but I’d rather not take the chance to find out.”

Carla nodded.  “Likewise.  I hate to leave Wendy by herself, but....”

“You’ll like Fairy Hills!” Wendy promised Chelia with a heartfelt smile, completely unaware of Carla’s concern.

Chelia grinned back at her… as much as she could without being about to directly face Wendy.  “It’ll be kinda like an extended sleepover, right?”

“I think they’ll be fine,” Pantherlily commented, pointing at the two girls with his paw.

Carla felt sweat run down the back of her neck. “Indeed.”

Natsu and Juvia chose then to exit from the men’s restroom.  “What did we miss?” Natsu asked, a toothy grin across his face.  He was over the moon that Juvia had not felt the need to slice off anything he wanted very much to keep.

“We’re figuring out…”  Erza paused and swallowed hard, turning almost the same shade of green that Natsu usually did on a moving vehicle.  “…Living… arrangements…”

“Oh, that’s easy.”  Natsu nodded, confident in his next statement.  “Can’t stay at Fairy Hills, so we’ll be staying at my place.  Happy and I have got tons of room.”

“Room?” Lucy suddenly scoffed, eliciting a burgeoning smirk from Cobra as well at the image in her head.  “Where in that pigsty is there room?  It’s like… a dragon’s hoard in there.”

“Hey!” her partner protested.  “I can clean!”

“But have you?” Cobra joined in.

“I can start!”

Juvia went pale, then flushed, and paled again in quick succession at the thoughts tumbling around inside her skull.

Just what was she in for here?

Like it or not, Natsu staying with her at Fairy Hills was definitely not an option, so she would soon find out.


End file.
